Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections m-8 Read online

  Kalvin muttered something in my ear about not paying the help until they had finished their work, but the bellhop seemed to understand what it was all about, since he disappeared as soon as I paid him. Ignoring Kalvin's grumbles, I turned my attention to the hotel interior. The reception area wasn't much larger than the space we used for similar purposes back at M.Y.T.H. Inc., except the furnishings were dominated by a huge counter which I assumed was what the doorman had referred to as the front desk. Of course, to my mind this made the lobby rather small since, as a hotel, this place was supposed to get more public traffic than our consulting offices did. Personally, I felt it boded ill for the size of the rooms. Then again, I had told Edvik to take us somewhere inexpensive. I supposed I couldn't expect low rates and stylish accommodations, and given a choice...

  "May I help you?"

  This last came from the Pervect behind the front desk. It might read polite, but the tone of his voice was that of one addressing someone who just walked through the front door with a box of garbage.

  "Yes," I said, deciding to give pleasant one last try. "I'd like a room, please. A single."

  The desk clerk looked as if I had just spat on the floor.

  "Do you have reservations?"

  The question surprised me a little, but I decided to stick with honesty.

  "Well, I'm not wild about the neighborhood... and then there's the rumor about the ax murderer..."

  "Skeeve... SKEEVE!!" Kalvin hissed desperately. "He means, ‘Do you have a reservation for a room?" So much for honesty. I shot a look at the desk clerk, who was staring at me as if I had asked him to sell his first-born into slavery.

  "... But, um, if you're asking if I reserved a room in advance, the answer is no," I finished lamely.

  The clerk stared at me for a few more moments, then ran a practiced finger down a list on the desk in front of him. "I'm afraid that all we have available at this time is one of our Economy Rooms. You really should reserve in advance for the best selection."

  "An Economy Room will be fine," I assured him. "I'll need it for about a week."

  "Very well," the clerk nodded, pushing a form at me across the desk, "If you'll just fill this out, the rate will be a hundred in gold."

  I was glad I had been warned about prices on Perv. A hundred in gold seemed a bit steep to me, but having been forewarned I managed to hide my surprise as I reached for the form.

  "... A day. Payable in advance, of course."

  My hand stopped just short of the form.

  "A hundred in gold a day?" I said as carefully as I could.

  "Skeeve!" Kalvin yipped in my ear. "Remember, you were warned things were expensive here! This is a low priced hotel, remember?"

  "Payable in advance," the clerk confirmed.

  I withdrew my hands from the desk.

  "How much time do you want to spend looking for a room, Skeeve?" the Djin continued desperately. "The cab won't be back until morning and it's getting dark out. Do you really want to walk these streets at night?"

  I took a hundred in gold from my money belt and dropped it on the desk, then started filling out the form. "I assumed that each day is payable in advance, considering the interest rates," I said calmly. "Oh, yes, I'd like a receipt for that, as well."

  The desk clerk whisked the form from under my pen and glanced at it almost before I had finished signing it. "Quite right, Mr... Skeeve. I'll have a receipt for you in a moment."

  It was nice to know some Pervects were efficient, once you had met their price. The hundred in gold had already disappeared.

  The desk clerk slipped the receipt across the desk, a key held daintily in his other hand. I claimed the receipt and was starting to go for the key when he casually moved it back out of my reach, slapping his palm down on a small bell that was on the desk.

  "Front!"

  Before I could ask what this little declaration was supposed to mean, a bellhop had materialized at my side... a different one than before.

  "Room 242," the desk clerk declared, handing the bell hop my key.

  "Yessir. Is this your luggage?"

  "Well, yes. It's..."

  Without waiting for me to finish, the bellhop snatched up my bag and started for the stairs, beckoning me to follow. I trailed along in his wake. At this point, I had had it with Pervects and hotels and tips. If this clown thought I was...

  "Going to tip him?" Kalvin asked, floating around to hang in the air in front of me. Fortunately, he was translucent enough for me to see through him.

  I gave him my toothiest smile.

  "If that means ‘No' like I think it does, you'd better reconsider."

  Whether I needed to hear this or not, I definitely didn't want to. I deliberately let my gaze wander to the ceiling and promptly tripped over a step.

  "Remember what Edvik said," the Djin continued insis tently. "You need all the allies you can get. You can't afford to get vindictive with this guy."

  Slowly, my irritation began to give way to common sense. Kalvin was right. If nothing else, I had heard that bellhops were prime sources of local information, and if being nice to this character would speed my search for Aahz, thereby shortening my stay on Perv, then it would definitely be worth at least a decent tip. Taking a deep breath, I caught the Djin's eye and gave a curt nod, whereupon he subsided. It occurred to me it was nice to deal with someone who would let an argument drop once he'd won it.

  The bellhop unlocked a door and ushered me into my room with a flourish. The first view of my temporary head quarters almost reversed my mind all over again. The room was what could only be politely referred to as a hole... and I wasn't in a particularly polite mood. For openers, it was small... smaller than most of the closets in my place back at the Bazaar. There was barely enough space to walk around the bed without scooting sideways, and what little room there was was cramped further by a small bureau which was missing the knob on one of the two drawers, and a chair which looked about as comfortable as a bed of nails. The shade of the bedside lamp was askew, and the wallpaper was torn with one large flap hanging loose except where it was secured by cobwebs. I couldn't tell if the texture of the carpet was dust or mildew, though from the smell I suspected the latter. The ceiling had large water stains on it, but you couldn't tell without looking hard because the light in the place was dim enough to make a vampire feel claustrophobic. All this for a mere hundred in gold a night.

  "Great view, isn't it?" the bellhop said, pulling the shades aside to reveal a window that hadn't been washed since the discovery of fire. At first I thought the curtain rod was sagging, but closer examination showed it had actually been nailed in place crooked.

  "This is what you call a great view?"

  That comment kind of slipped out despite my resolve. I had just figured out that it wasn't that the window was so dirty I couldn't see out of it. Rather, the view consisted of a blank stone wall maybe an arm's length away. The bellhop didn't seem the least put out by my rhetorical question.

  "You should see the view from the first floor," he shrugged. "All the rooms there look out onto the courtyard, which includes the garbage dump. At least this view doesn't have maggots."

  My stomach tilted to the left and sank. Swallowing hard, I resolved not to ask any more questions about the room.

  "Could you lay off about the view?" Kalvin whined desperately.

  "Way ahead of you," I replied.

  "How' s that again?" the bellhop said, turning to face me.

  "I said, ‘I'll settle for this view,' " I amended hastily.

  "Thought you would. No, sir, you don't see many rooms this good at these prices."

  I realized he was looking at me expectantly for confirmation.

  "I...I've never seen anything like it." He kept looking at me. I cast about in my mind for something vaguely complimentary to say about the room.

  "The tip, Skeeve! He's waiting for a tip!"

  "Oh! Yes, of course."

  I fumbled a few more coins out of my money belt.
"Thank you, sir," the bellhop nodded, accepting my offering. "And if you have any more questions, the name's Burgt."

  He was heading for the door when it occurred to me I might make further use of his knowledge. "Say... um, Burgt."

  "Yes, sir?"

  "Is there someplace around here I can get a bite to eat?

  Maybe someplace that specializes in off-dimension food?"

  "Sure. There's a little place about half a block to your left as you come out of the main entrance. It's called Bandi's. You can't miss it."

  That was worth a few extra coins to me. It also gave me an idea.

  "Say, Burgt, I've heard you bellhops have a bit of an information network. Is that true?"

  The bellhop eyed the coins I was pouring back and forth from hand to hand.

  "Sort of," he admitted. "It depends on what kind of information you're looking for."

  "Well, I'm looking for a guy, name of Aahz. Would have hit town in the last couple of days. If you or any of your friends should find out where he is and let me know, I'd be real appreciative. Get me?"

  I let the coins pour into his uniform pocket. "Yes, sir. Aahz, was it? I'll spread the word and see what we can turn up."

  He departed hastily, shutting the door firmly but quietly behind him.

  "You did that very well, Skeeve," Kalvin said.

  "What? Oh. Thanks, Kalvin."

  "Really. You looked just like a gangster paying off an informant."

  I guess my work with the Mob had influenced me more than I had realized. It wasn't a line of conversation I wanted to pursue too far, though.

  "Just something I picked up," I said casually, pocketing the room key. "Come on. Let's try to find something eatable in this dimension."

  Chapter Seven:

  "... On the street where you live."

  -QUOTE FROM AN ANONYMOUS EXTORTION NOTE

  I HAD THOUGHT the streets of Perv were intimidating walking or riding through them by day. At night, they were a whole new world. I didn't know if I should be frightened or depressed, but one thing I knew I wasn't was comfortable. It wasn't that I was alone. There were a lot of Pervects on the street, and of course Kalvin was still with me. It's just that there is some company to which being alone is preferable. Kalvin's company was, of course, welcome... which should narrow it down for even the most casual reader as to exactly what the source of my discomfort was. The Pervects. (Very good! Move to the head of the class.) Now, saying one felt uncomfortable around Pervects may sound redundant. As has been noted, the entire dimension is not renowned for its sociability, much less its hospitality. What I learned on the streets that night, however, is that there are Pervects and there are Pervects.

  Most of the natives I had dealt with up to this point had been just plain folk... only nasty. In general, they seemed

  "If my mother cooked like that, we would have gotten rid of her... even earlier than we did," Kalvin declared bluntly.

  Curious comment, that.

  "You can't tell me you like this," he insisted. "I mean, you may be a little strange, but you're still a sentient being."

  "So are the Pervects."

  "I'm willing to debate that... more than ever, now that I'm getting a feel for what they eat. You're avoiding the question, though. Are you really going to eat any of this stuff?"

  I decided the joke had gone far enough. "Not on a bet!" I admitted in a whisper. "If you watch closely, you'll see that some of the food actually crawls out of the bowl."

  "I'd rather not!" Kalvin said, averting his eyes. "Seriously, Skeeve, if you aren't going to eat anything, why are we here?"

  "Oh, I'm going to try to get something to eat. Just nothing they would prepare for the natives. That's why I was hunting for a place that served food from—and therefore, hopefully, stomachable by—off-world and off-worlders." The Djin was unimpressed.

  "I don't care where the recipe comes from. You're telling me you're going to take something that's been prepared in this kitchen and been in proximity with other dishes that stink the way these do, and then put it in your mouth? Maybe we should debate your qualifications as an intelligent being."

  Looking at it that way, he had a point. Suddenly I didn't feel as clever as I had a few moments before.

  "Cahn I help you, sir?'

  The Pervect who materialized at my elbow was as stiffly formal as anything I'd seen that wasn't perched on a wedding cake. He had somehow mastered the technique of being subservient while still looking down on you. And they say that waiters can't be trained!

  "Well, we... that is, I..."

  "Ah! A Tah-bul for one!"

  Actually, I had been preparing to beat a retreat, but this guy wasn't about to leave me that choice. Chairs and tables seemed to part in his path as he swept off through the diners like a sailing ship through algae, drawing me along in his wake. Heads turned and murmurs started as we passed. If they were trying to figure out where they had seen me before, it could take a lot of talking.

  "I wish I had thought to dress," I murmured to Kalvin. "This is a pretty classy place. I'm surprised they let me in without a tie."

  The Djin shot me a look.

  "I don't know how to say this, Skeeve, but you are dressed, and you are wearing a tie."

  "Oh! Right."

  I had forgotten I had altered my disguise spell in the taxi. One of the problems with the disguise spell is that I can't see the results myself. While I've gotten to a point where I can maintain the illusion without giving it a lot of conscious thought, it also means I occasionally forget what the appearance I'm maintaining really is.

  I plopped down in the chair being held for me, but waved off the offered menu.

  "I understand you serve dishes from off-dimension?"

  The Pervect gave a little half-bow.

  " Yas. Ve haff a wide selection for the most discriminating taste."

  I nodded knowingly.

  "Then just have the waiter bring me something Klahdish... and a decent wine to go with it."

  "Very good. Sir."

  He faded discreetly from view, leaving me to study our fellow diners. It was too much to hope that coincidence would lead Aahz to the same dining room, but it didn't hurt to look.

  "You handled that pretty smoothly."

  "What's that, Kalvin? Oh. The ordering. Thank you."

  "Are you really that confident?"

  I glanced around at the nearby tables for eavesdroppers before answering.

  "I'm confident that I couldn't even read the menu," I said quietly. "Trying to fake it would only have made me look like a bigger fool. I just followed the general rule of ‘When in doubt, rely on the waiter's judgment.' It usually works."

  "True enough," Kalvin conceded. "But the waiter's not usually Pervish. It's still braver than I'd feel comfortable with, personally."

  The Djin had a positive talent for making me feel uneasy about decisions that had already been made. Fortunately, the wine arrived just then. I fidgeted through the tasting ritual, then started in drinking with a vengeance. A combination of nerves and thirst moved me rapidly through the first three glasses with barely a pause for breath.

  "You might go a little easy on that stuff until you get some food in you," Kalvin advised pointedly.

  "Not to worry," I waved. "One thing Aahz always told me: If you aren't sure of the food on a dimension, you can always drink your meals."

  "He told you that, huh? What a buddy. Tell me, did it ever work?"

  "Howzat?"

  "Drinking your meals. Did it ever do you any good, or just land you in a lot of trouble?"

  "Oh, we've had lots of trouble. Sometime lemme tell you about the time we decided to steal the trophy from the Big Game.

  "You and Aahz?"

  "No. Me and... um... it was..."

  For some reason, I was having trouble remembering exactly who had been with me on that particular caper. I decided it might be wisest to get the subject of conversation off me until my meal arrived.

  "Whoever. Sp
eaking of bottles, though, how long had you been waiting before I pulled the cork on that one of yours?"

  "Oh, not long for a Djin. In fact, I'd say it hadn't been more than..."

  "Tananda!"

  "Excuse me?"

  "It was Tananda who was with me when we tried for the trophy... the first time, anyway."

  "Oh."

  "Glad that's off my back. Now, what was it you were saying, Kalvin?"

  "Nothing important," the Djin shrugged.

  He seemed a little distracted, but I thought I knew why.

  "Kalvin, I'd like to apologize."

  He seemed to relax a little.

  "Oh, that's okay, Skeeve. It's just that..."

  "No, I insist. It was rude of me to order without asking if you wanted something to eat, too. It's just that it would have been awkward trying to order food for someone no one else could see. Understand what I'm trying to say?"

  "Of course."

  I seemed to be losing him again.

  "It wasn't that I had forgotten about you, really," I pressed. "I just thought that as small as you are, you wouldn't eat much and we could probably share my order. Now I can see that that's rather demeaning to you, so if you'd like your own order..."

  "Sharing your meal will be fine. Okay? Can we drop the subject now?"

  Whatever was bothering the Djin, my efforts to change his mood were proving woefully inadequate. I debated let ting it go for the moment, but decided against it. Letting things go until later was how the situation with Aahz had gotten into its current state.

  "Say... um... Kalvin?"

  "Now what?"

  "It's obvious that I've gotten you upset, and my trying to make amends is only making things worse. Now, it wasn't my intent to slight you in any way, but it seems to have happened anyway. If I can't make things better, can you at least tell me what it was I did so that I don't fall into the same trap again?"

  "The wine doesn't help."

  I nodded at Kalvin's terse response. He was right. The wine was hitting me harder than I had expected, making it difficult to focus on him and what he was saying.

  "It doesn't help... but that's not the whole problem," I said. "All alcohol does is amplify what's there already. It may make my irritating habits more irritating, but it isn't causing them."