Myth-Ing Persons m-5 Read online

  Myth-Ing Persons

  ( MythAdventures - 5 )

  Robert Asprin

  Shares the humorous adventures of the Great Skeeve, a powerful magician, Aahz, his demon partner, and Gleep the dragon in Deva.

  Robert Asprin

  - Myth 05 -

  Myth-Ing Persons

  Chapter One

  "Reputations are fine up to a point. After that they become a pain!"

  -D.JUAN

  THERE is something sinfully satisfying about doing something you know you aren't supposed to. This was roughly my frame of mind as I approached a specific nondescript tent at the Bazaar at Deva with my breakfast under my arm… guilty, but smug.

  "Excuse me, young sahr!"

  I turned to find an elderly Deveel waving desperately at me as he hurried forward. Normally I would have avoided the encounter, as Deveels are always selling something and at the moment I wasn't buying, but since I wasn't in a hurry I decided to hear what he had to say.

  "I'm glad I caught you in time," he said, struggling to catch his breath. "While I don't usually meddle, you really don't want to go in there!"

  "Why not? I was just…"

  "Do you know who lives there?"

  "Well, actually I thought…"

  "That is the dwelling of the Great Skeeve!"

  Something about this busybody irritated me. Maybe it was the way he never let me finish a sentence. Anyway, I decided to string him along for a while."

  "The Great Skeeve?"

  "You never heard of him?" The Deveel seemed genuinely shocked. "He's probably the most powerful magician at the Bazaar."

  My opinion of the busybody soared to new heights, but the game was too much fun to abandon.

  "I've never had too much faith in magicians," I said with studied casualness. "I've found for the most part their powers are overrated."

  The oldster rolled his eyes in exasperation.

  "That may be true in most cases, but not when it comes to the Great Skeeve! Did you know he consorts with Demons and has a dragon for a familiar?"

  I favored him with a worldly smile.

  "So what? Deva is a crossroads of the dimensions. Dimension travelers, or Demons as you call them, are the norm around here. As a Deveel, your main livelihood comes from dealing with Demons. As for the dragon, there's a booth not eight rows from here that sells dragons to anyone with the price."

  "No, no! You don't understand! Of course we all deal with Demons when it comes to business. The difference is that this Skeeve is actually friends with them… invites them into his home and lives with them. One of his permanent house guests is a Pervert, and I don't know of a single Deveel who would stoop that low. What's more, I've heard it said that he has underworld connections."

  The game was growing tiresome. Any points the Deveel had made with his tribute to the Great Skeeve had been lost with interest when he started commenting on Demons.

  "Well, thank you for your concern," I said, holding out my hand for a handshake. "I promise you I'll remember everything you've said. What was your name again?"

  The Deveel grabbed my hand and began pumping it vigorously.

  "I am Aliman, and glad to be of assistance," he said with an ingratiating smile. "If you really want to show your gratitude, remember my name. Should you ever be in need of a reputable magician, I have a nephew who's just getting started in the business. I'm sure we could arrange some discount prices for you. Tell me, what is your name so I can tell him who to watch for?"

  I tightened my grip slightly and gave him my widest smile. "Well, my friends call me Skeeve."

  "I'll be sure to tell… SKEEVE?"

  The Deveel's eyes widened, and his complexion faded from red to a delicate pink.

  "That's right," I said, retaining my grip on his hand. "Oh, and for your information Demons from Perv are called Pervects, not Perverts… and he's not my house guest, he's my partner."

  The Deveel was struggling desperately now, trying to free his hand.

  "Now then, how many customers have you scared away from my business with your tales about what a fearsome person I am? "

  The Deveel tore loose from my grip and vanished into the crowds, sounding an incoherent scream of terror as he went. In short, Aliman left. Right?

  I watched him go with a certain amount of mischievous satisfaction. I wasn't really angry, mind you. We literally had more money than we could use right now, so I didn't begrudge him the customers. Still, I had never really paused to consider how formidable our operation must look from the outside. Viewing it now through a stranger's eyes, I found myself more than a little pleased. Considering the dubious nature of my beginning, we had built ourselves quite a reputation over the last few years.

  I had been serious when I told Aliman that I didn't have much faith in magicians. My own reputation was overrated to say the least, and if I was being billed as a powerful magician, it made the others of my profession more than a little suspect in my eyes. After several years of seeing the inside of the magic business, I was starting to wonder if any magician was really as good as people thought.

  I was so wrapped up in these thoughts as I entered our humble tent that I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to be sneaking in. I was reminded almost immediately.

  The reminder came in the form of a huge man who loomed up to block my path. "Boss," he said in a squeaky little voice that was always surprising coming from such a huge body, "you shouldn't ought to go out alone like that. How many times we got to tell you…"

  "It's all right, Nunzio," I said, trying to edge around him. "I just ducked out to get some breakfast. Want a bagel?"

  Nunzio was both unconvinced and undaunted in his scolding.

  "How are we supposed to be your bodyguards if you keep sneaking off alone every chance you get? Do you know what Don Bruce would do to us if anything happened to you?"

  "C'mon, Nunzio. You know how things are here at the Bazaar. If the Deveels see me with a bodyguard, the price of everything goes through the ceiling. Besides, I like being able to wander around on my own once in a while."

  "You can afford the higher prices. What you can't afford is to set yourself up as a target for every bozo who wants the rep of bagging the Great Skeeve."

  I started to argue, but my conversation with Aliman flashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There were two sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed the rumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, they would muster such firepower for the attempt that my odds for survival would be nonexistent.

  "Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but in all honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a magical attack on me?"

  "Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probably try to knock off your bodyguards first, and that might give you time to get away or hit them yourself before they could muster a second attack."

  He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sun rises in the east," but it shook me. It had never really occurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or how readily they accept the dangers of their profession.

  "I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with a certain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I think I owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido, anyway?"

  "Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned.

  "As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break it up when I found you had snuck out again."

  "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

  "What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing until you get there. I figured it was more important to convince you to quit going out alone."

  I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio. "Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get
upstairs before those two kill each other."

  With that I headed across the courtyard for the fountain stairs to our offices…

  Courtyard? Fountain stairs?

  What happened to the humble tent I was walking into a minute ago?

  Weelll… I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces that weren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take any credit for this particular miracle, though, other than the fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan Merchants Association as partial payment for a little job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got my bodyguards… but that's another story, Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimension I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You may have heard of them. In my own home dimension they were called devils, but I have since learned the proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating the Deveels at their own game… which is to say we got the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though. It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been had.

  Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the offices. Normally after sneaking out I would stop by the stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon Aliman was talking about… and I'm not going to try to condense that story. It's just too complicated.

  Long before I reached the offices I could hear their voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by heart.

  "Incompetent bungler!"

  "Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"

  "I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"

  "You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the boss's partner, one more word and I'll…"

  "You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place to be would be where you're aiming."

  "Izzatso?"

  It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Taking a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the fracas.

  "Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"

  "No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering response from one combatant. "What I want is some decent help."

  "… and while you're at it see what you can do about getting me a little respect!" the other countered.

  The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier than his cousin Nunzio.

  The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact, and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.

  My strategy had worked in that I now had their annoyance focused on me instead of each other. Now, realizing the potential devastation of their respective temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.

  "What seems to be the trouble?"

  "The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."

  My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I have more money than we know what to do with, but old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a long time.

  "Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for time than anything else. "I just got here, remember? Could you fill me in on a few of the details?" Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare.

  "There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in the middle of breakfast…"

  "He was drinking another meal," Guido translated scornfully.

  "… when mush-for-brains here bellows up that there are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my meal."

  "He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You can't expect customers to…"

  "Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one round? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go for him. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what happened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?" Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account. "Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers were nowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here would be able to stall them or at least have the sense to call for reinforcements if they started getting twitchy."

  "C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a bodyguard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired of waiting for you to show up and left, I don't see where you can dodge the blame by shifting it to…"

  "Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point. They didn't leave!"

  "Come again?"

  "I left 'em there in the reception room, and the next thing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for losing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say, I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we've got some extra people wandering the premises, and all this slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."

  "I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare. "There are only two ways out of that reception room, and they didn't come past me!"

  "Well they didn't come past me!" Guido countered.

  I started to get a very cold feeling in my stomach.

  "Aahz, "I said softly.

  "If you think I don't know when…"

  "AAHZ!"

  That brought him up short. He turned to me with an angry retort on his lips, then he saw my expression.

  "What is it, Skeeve? You look as if…"

  "There are more than two ways out of that room."

  We stared at each other in stunned silence for a few moments, then we both sprinted for the reception room, leaving Guido to trail along behind.

  The room we had selected for our reception area was one of the largest in the place, and the only large room with easy access from the front door. It was furnished in a style lavish enough to impress even those customers spoiled by the wonders of the Bazaar who were expecting to see the home office of a successful magician. There was only one problem with it, and that was the focus of our attention as we dashed in.

  The only decoration that we had kept from the previous owners was an ornate tapestry hanging on the north wall. Usually I'm faster than Aahz, but this time he beat me to the hanging, sweeping it aside with his arm to reveal a heavy door behind it. Our worst fears were realized. The door was unlocked and standing ajar.

  Chapter Two

  "Success often hinges on choosing a reliable partner."

  -REMUS

  "WHAT'S that?" Guido demanded, taking advantage of our stunned silence.

  "It's a door," I said.

  "An open door, to be specific," Aahz supplied.

  "I can see that for myself!" the bodyguard roared. "I meant what is it doing here?"

  "It would look pretty silly standing alone in the middle of the street now, wouldn't it?" Aahz shot back.

  Guido purpled. As I've said, these two have a positive talent for getting under each other's skins.

  "Now look, all I'm askin'…"

  "Guido, could you just hang on for a few minutes until we decide what to do next? Then we'll explain, I promise."

  My mind was racing over the problem, and having Aahz and Guido going at each other did nothing for my concentration.

  "I think the first thing we should do, partner," Aahz said thoughtfully, "is to get the door closed so that we won't be… interrupted while we work this out."

  Rather than answer, I reached out a cautious toe and pushed the door shut. Aahz quickly slipped two of the bolts in place to secure it.

  Th
at done, we leaned against the door and looked at each other in silence.

  "Well? What do you think?" I asked at last.

  "I'm in favor of sealing it up again and forgetting the whole thing."

  "Think it's safe to do that?"

  "Don't know, really. Not enough information."

  We both turned slowly to level thoughtful stares at Guido.

  "Say, uh, Guido, could you tell us a little more about those customers who came in this morning?"

  "Nothing doin'." Guido crossed his arms. "You're the guys who insist on 'information for information. Right? Well, I'm not telling you anything more until somebody tells me about that door. I mean, I'm supposed to be your bodyguard and nobody bothers to tell me there's another way into this place?"

  Aahz bared his teeth and started forward, but I caught him by the shoulder.

  "He's right, partner. If we want his help, we owe him an explanation."

  We locked eyes again for a moment, then he shrugged and retreated.

  "Actually, Guido, the explanation is very simple…"

  "That'll be a first," the bodyguard grumbled.

  In a bound, Aahz was across the room and had Guido by the shirt front.

  "You wanted an explanation? Then SHUT UP AND LET HIM EXPLAIN!"

  Now Guido is no lightweight, and he's never been short in the courage department. Still, there's nothing quite like Aahz when he's really mad.

  "O-Okay! Sorry! Go ahead. Boss. I'm listening." Aahz released his grip and returned to his place by the door, winking at me covertly as he went.

  "What happened is this," I said, hiding a smile.

  "Aahz and I found that door when we first moved in here. We didn't like the looks of it, so we decided to leave it alone. That's all."

  "That's all!? A back door that even you admit looks dangerous and all you do is ignore it? And if that wasn't bad enough, you don't even bother to tell your bodyguards about it? Of all the lame brained, half…"

  Aahz cleared his throat noisily, and Guido regained control of himself… rapidly.