Myth-Told Tales Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  MYTH CONGENIALITY

  M.Y.T.H. INC. INSTRUCTIONS

  MYTH-ADVENTURERS

  MYTH-CALCULATIONS

  MYTH-TER RIGHT

  M.Y.T.H. INC. PROCEEDS

  MYTHING IN DREAMLAND

  MYTH-MATCHED

  MYTH-TRAINED

  Praise for Robert Asprin’s MYTH series

  “All the MYTH books are hysterically funny.”—Analog

  “Stuffed with rowdy fun.”—The Philadelphia Inquirer

  “Give yourself the pleasure of working through the series. But not all at once; you’ll wear out your funny bone.”

  —The Washington Times

  “Funny, lighthearted fantasy . . . Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye are great collaborators.”—Midwest Book Review

  “Breezy, pun-filled fantasy in the vein of Piers Anthony’s Xanth series . . . A hilarious bit of froth and frolic.”

  —Library Journal

  “Asprin’s major achievement as a writer—brisk pacing, wit, and a keen satirical eye.”—Booklist

  “An excellent, lighthearted fantasy series.”

  —Epic Illustrated

  “Tension getting to you? Take an Asprin! . . . His humor is broad and grows out of the fantasy world, or dimensions, in which his characters operate.”—Fantasy Review

  “Remember the sheer joy and fun of reading the original MYTH books? For me they stand as one of the finest blends of fantasy and humor ever written.”—Baryon

  Robert Asprin’s MYTH Series

  ANOTHER FINE MYTH

  MYTH CONCEPTIONS

  MYTH DIRECTIONS

  HIT OR MYTH

  MYTH-ING PERSONS

  LITTLE MYTH MARKER

  M.Y.T.H. INC. LINK

  MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

  M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION

  SWEETY MYTH-TERY OF LIFE

  MYTH-ION IMPROBABLE

  SOMETHING M.Y.T.H. INC.

  MYTH Titles by Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye

  MYTH ALLIANCES

  MYTH-TAKEN IDENTITY

  CLASS DIS-MYTHED

  MYTH-TOLD TALES

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

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  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)

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  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  MYTH-TOLD TALES

  An Ace Book / published by arrangement with Bill Fawcett & Associates

  PRINTING HISTORY

  Ace mass-market edition / March 2007

  Copyright © 2007 by Bill Fawcett & Associates.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  For information address: The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  eISBN : 978-0-441-01486-6

  ACE

  Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  ACE and the “A” design are trademarks belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  Editors are the unsung heroes and heroines of publishing. If a book succeeds, then it’s because the writer was great. If it falls short, it’s because the editor or publisher dropped the ball. With that in mind, I dedicate this book, along with long overdue thanks, to Susan Allison, the editor who has been handling me since nearly the beginning of my career. She’s edited Myth, Thieves’ World, and Phule (she actually suggested that last one to me). In all that time, she has supported and defended me, often at the risk of her personal and professional credibility, even when I didn’t deserve it.

  —RLA

  A toast, as well, to the memory of James Patrick Baen, former SF editor of Ace Books, and editor and publisher of Baen Books. Jim helped dozens of new writers, especially women, break into an increasingly difficult field, and nurtured them into sustained careers. He was an innovator of new ways to attract and keep readers, a delegator who trusted other people to represent the face of Baen Books, a collaborator in every facet of the publishing milieu, and he had a fabulous sense of humor. I appreciate the support he gave me as a newbie writer, and I’ll miss him greatly.

  —JLN

  Welcome to Myth-Told Tales

  In this collection you will find all the short stories yet written in the world of the Myth Adventures. A few are by Bob Asprin alone, a few by only Jody Nye, but the majority are collaborations between the two authors. Some feature Aahz and Skeeve, others feature such characters as Tananda, Chumley, Guido, and even Gleep. Three of these stories appeared in the chapbook format volume of this same title. One story, “M.Y.T.H. Inc. Instructions,” is the only stand-alone story included with a Myth Adventures novel, Something M.Y.T.H. Inc. One other story, “Mything in Dreamland,” appeared in Fantasy Masters, a collection of stories by top fantasy writers set in their own worlds. The rest of the stories, about half this book, are new and this is their first appearance anywhere. This is the point where an editor is supposed to say something meaningful about the literary work and its social import. Not on your life; Myth Adventures has always been about being fun to read and laughing along with the characters. So all that needs to be said is: Enjoy!

  —Editor

  How Robert Asprin and I Came to Be Writing New Myth Adventures

  “You should work together,” one of our well-meaning friends said. You’re both funny. You’d be good. I remember that we eyed each other with the same suspicious expression as a couple of cats thrown together by their owners and told to play nice. “Oh, Butch will be nice to Fluffykins! See? They’re making friends already,” one would say as the cats growl at each other under their breath. Fluffykins is already flexing and unflexing her needle-sharp claws. Butch is baring his teeth. He has a notch out of one ear. His tail switches from side to side. Fluffykins notices this movement and suddenly arches her back. Butch’s eyes widen and his ears flatten.

  There is a discreet blackout.

  When the scene reopens, one cat is licking the other’s
ear. Both are purring. You didn’t see what happened in the middle, but let’s just call it “staking out of territory.” The owners are not looking quite as calm and complacent as they did before, but the cats have become friends, on their own terms.

  I’d always been a fan of Bob’s. How could I not love someone whose best-known book was a paraphrase of one of the great comedy catch phrases of all time? And the quotes at the chapter heads made me laugh out loud. The story itself was a picaresque novel worthy of Cervantes. Here, I realized, years before I met him, was someone who’d been steeped in the same comic history I was. I loved his comic timing. I loved his characters. At that time if you’d told me I’d be working with him, that I’d work with any of the amazing people I have since I first read Another Fine Myth, I’d have laughed in bitter disbelief and gone back to my terrifyingly toxic day job.

  I knew of Bob through another common interest, the Society for Creative Anachronism. Neither of us are active now, but he’d already retired from the field by the time I joined. Long and storied was the legend of Yang the Nauseating, founder of the Dark Horde and Loyal Opposition to the Crown. “With all due disrespect to Your Majesty,” was a phrase I was told he often used in court, where the royals and nobles, who all went back to mundane jobs when they took off their silken raiment, often took themselves too seriously. Bob was the pin that punctured their self-importance.

  He was a legendary figure at science fiction conventions, known for singing and playing the guitar at parties and filk sessions, drinking Irish whiskey and occupying the center of the most sought after circle in the bar, and for his prowess with the ladies. You may not know it (or you may; Bob has spread himself about a bit over the years) that he is one of the premier hand-kissers of our time. Almost everyone I knew had a “Bob story.” Some were first-hand, but most were urban legends. (I have reason to know some of them are only urban legends.) He and some similarly inclined friends created the Dorsai Irregulars and the Klingon Diplomatic Corps, organizations to which it is considered an honor to belong.

  So, steeped in the hype, I trembled when I first met him, at his home in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He and his then-wife Lynn Abbey, good and old friends of my then-fiance (now husband) Bill, did their best to put me at my ease. Both of them are truly kind and hospitable people. Bob and Lynn drew me into the conversation as best they could. I sat goggle-eyed as they talked about their other close friends as if they were just ordinary people. Those names were the stuff of legend to a newcomer like me: Gordon R. Dickson, the “Gordfather” of the Dorsai Irregulars; Wendi and Richard Pini of Elfquest; the great Poul Anderson; C. J. Cherryh; George Takei; and more. At the time they were still editing and writing in the original Thieves’ World series, the shared-world anthology that gave shape to all the shared worlds to follow. They’d been everywhere I hoped to go. I was a literary novice, but they treated me like an equal. I adored them for it. Believe me, not everybody who’s “made it” is so secure or generous.

  Bob and I did have a bunch of things in common. We were the “sensitive” halves of our respective pairs. We’re desperately soft touches for cats. We love the great acts of the post-vaudeville movies like the Marx brothers and Laurel and Hardy, and good funny movies in general. We both admire Damon Runyon, whose stories were the basis for the musical Guys and Dolls. We both liked Disney’s Sleeping Beauty, though his favorite character was Maleficent and mine was the Fairy Godmothers. We both do needlework (really; he’s very good at it). And . . . well . . . we write humor.

  When the inevitable suggestion was made that we should really think about doing something together, I was willing. One of the things I admired most about his writing was that he could be funny—very funny—without being sickeningly cute or dragging a joke until it died. Though there were elements of slapstick in his stories, the characters weren’t stupid. Mistakes are made out of innocence or ignorance. Comic timing evolves out of the situation. He imbued his characters with wisdom, loyalty, and warmth. You would probably like to hang out with them. I would.

  Bob came up to our house one January: an act of faith, since he now lives in New Orleans and we live in the suburbs of Chicago. We talked, with Bill standing by as a referee in case things got ugly. They didn’t. I gave Bob the respect he deserved for his experience and accomplishments, and he offered me acceptance as an established newcomer. Bill went back to his office to play computer games, and Bob and I started talking ideas.

  Our first crack out of the box was an original book, License Invoked (Baen Books). We worked out our story line and characters together, then decided who would write what sections. Books change all the time while they are being written. They develop—we hope, for the better. The result was longer than a novel he would usually produce, and shorter than one of mine. The plot ran pretty much along the lines we’d laid out, though the structure and the villains changed a lot. I liked our main characters. It wouldn’t bother me a bit to do something else with them—later.

  By now, Myth Adventures had lain dormant for a long while. Bob had two books to run on the twelve-book contract with Donning Starblaze, the trade paperback publisher who produced the original Myth Adventures series. Because they’d gone belly-up, years had passed before the rights to books eleven and twelve could be extricated. Once they were released and resold to Meisha Merlin, interest awoke in having still more Myth after book twelve. But, Bob had other projects he wished to work on, so it was suggested that once he finished Myth-Ion Improbable and Something M.Y.T.H. Inc. he and I, proven collaborators, should put out a few new books. Because this series is Bob’s special baby we decided to take a few test runs. The final three short stories in this collection were the result. They follow on from the conclusion of Something M.Y.T.H. Inc. and lead up to the action in our first novel, Myth Alliances. The others are just for fun. We hope you enjoy them.

  —Jody Lynn Nye

  The “Discreet Blackout”

  It was interesting to read Jody’s introduction. (Writer’s tip: If you’re doing one section of a two-part introduction, always let your partner go first. Then, all you have to do is rebut or go, “Yea. What she said.”) The only trouble was, it was hard to recognize myself in it.

  Okay. I know these intros are supposed to be “love and kisses and how much fun it is to write together,” but there should be a limit. I’d say my application for sainthood was rejected, but I never bothered to send it in. For one thing, I assume the powers that be have better things to do with their time than read crank mail. For another, I’m used to getting paid for writing fantasy.

  Just because I have good manners and write humor, people tend to assume that I’m a “nice guy.” Well, okay, I am . . . but only up to a point. That point usually involves protecting me and mine. Unfortunately, “mine” includes my writing.

  One thing I’ve discovered over the years is that the longer you write humor, the more finely tuned you become in your opinions of what is funny and what isn’t. Also, the more firmly entrenched the idea becomes that you have a particular recognizable style that the readers expect from anything with your name on it.

  What this all boils down to is that when it comes to collaborating, particularly on humor, I can be a real pain in the ass to work with. I like to think that I stop short of bullying my writing partners, but (even by the most generous interpretation of events) I can be “extremely stubborn” when “discussing” a particular joke or scene. When it involves two of my most popular characters, specifically Aahz and Skeeve, it borders on being nightmarish. I mention this not so much to belittle myself as to raise the awareness and appreciation of the readers to what my writing partners actually have to go through.

  All that having been said, it really is a joy and a pleasure to work with Jody . . . even if our memories of certain events and conversations differ.

  As an example, while I recall her visiting with Lynn and me in Ann Arbor, my memory of our first meeting was at a gaming convention. That was back in the days when I was doing two or th
ree dozen cons a year to get my name in front of the readers, and was attending comic cons, Star Trek cons, and gaming cons as well as the science fiction-fantasy cons that were my mainstay. She was sitting behind a demonstration table in the dealers room painting lead miniatures, and I recollect getting some excellent tips on dry-brushing techniques. It was a brief meeting, so I’m not surprised that she doesn’t remember it. I might have paid more attention to her, but I had learned she had a thing going with Bill Fawcett, who at that point was a friend of mine and eventually became her husband and one of my packager/publishers. (Writer’s tip: If you’re going to flirt with someone at a convention, try to do it with someone who isn’t a girlfriend/fiancée/wife of one of your editors. It could affect your long-term book sales much more than a similar encounter with a reader.)

  Another interesting overlap was when I discovered that we both had a background in theater. As an aside, I have often compared writing, particularly writing humor, with doing radio theater where you don’t have the audience’s feedback reactions to work off. I maintain that the most successful humor writers first honed their skills working in front of a live audience to build their sense of comic timing before attempting to create humor on paper. While my supporting role as Marcellus Wash-burn in a production of The Music Man lags far behind her leading role as Winifred the Woebegone in Once Upon a Mattress, I think the mutual experience contributes greatly to our ability to work together.

  Anyhoo, Butch and Fluffykins are now playing together happily, and the occasional territorial growls and swats only occur when there are no witnesses to box both our ears. Jody is not only an extremely talented writer whose company is always a pleasure, she’s also spirited enough to hold her own in a brawl. While, perhaps, not absolutely necessary, all three are definitely desirable in a writing partner.