MA10 Sweet Myth-tery of Life Read online

  “Your heart may be in the right place, Skeeve,” she said, turning back to me, “but there are factors here you’re overlooking or don’t understand.”

  “So explain them to me,” I said, a little miffed, but nonetheless willing to learn.

  Bunny pursed her lips for a moment, apparently organizing her thoughts.

  “All right,” she said, “let’s take it from the beginning. As I understand it, we’re supposed to be helping the kingdom get out of its current financial crisis. What Grimble and I have been doing, aside from recommending emergency expense cuts, is to come up with a reasonable budget and operating plan to get things back on an even keel. The emphasis here is on ‘reasonable.’ The bottom line is that it is not reasonable to expect anyone ... you, me, or Grimble ... to provide such a crucial service for nothing. Nobody works for free. The army doesn’t, the farmers don’t, and there’s no reason we should.”

  “But because of that very crisis, the kingdom can’t afford to pay us!” I protested.

  “Nonsense,” Bunny snapped. “First of all, remember that the Queen got the kingdom into this mess all by herself by pouring too much money into the army. We’re not the problem. We’re the imported experts who are supposed to get them out of the hole they dug for themselves.”

  “Second,” she continued before I could interrupt, “as you can see from the sheets I’m showing you, we can save enough in expenses and generate sufficient revenues from taxes to pay our own fees. That’s part of the job of a bean-counter ... to show their employer how to afford to pay themselves. Not many professions do that!”

  What she was saying made sense, but I was still unconvinced.

  “Well, at the very least can’t we cut our fees a bit?” I said. “There’s no real reason for us to charge as much as you have us down for.”

  “Skeeve, Skeeve, Skeeve,” Bunny said, shaking her head. “I told you I didn’t just make up these numbers. I know you’re used to negotiating deals on what the client will bear, but in a budget like this, the pay scale is almost dictated. It’s set by what others are getting paid. Anything else is so illogical; it would upset the whole system.”

  I glanced at Aahz, but he had his eyes fixed on Bunny, hanging on her every word.

  “Okay. Let’s take it from the top,” I said. “Explain it to me in baby talk, Bunny. Just how are these pay scales fixed?”

  She pursed her lips for a moment while organizing her thoughts.

  “Well, to start with, you have to understand that the pay scale for any job is influenced heavily by supply and demand.” she began. “Top dollar jobs usually fall into one of three categories. First, is if the job is particularly unpleasant or dangerous ... then, you have to pay extra just to get someone to be willing to do it. Second are the jobs where a particular skill or talent is called for. Entertainers and athletes fall into this category, but so do jobs that require a high degree of training, like doctors.”

  “And magicians!” my partner chimed in.

  “Bear with me, Aahz,” Bunny said, holding up a restraining hand to him.

  “Now, the third category for high pay is those who have a high degree of responsibility ... whose decisions involve a lot of money and/or affect a lot of people. If a worker in a corporation makes a mistake, it means a day’s or a week’s work may have to be redone ... or, perhaps, a client is lost. The president of the same corporation may only make three or four decisions a year, but those decisions may be to open or close six plants or to begin or discontinue an entire line of products. If that person makes a mistake, it could put hundreds or thousands of people out of work. Responsibility of that level is frightening and wearing, and the person willing to hold the bag deserves a higher degree of compensation. With me so far?”

  “It makes sense ... so far,” I nodded.

  “Moving along then, within each profession, there’s a pecking order with the best or most experienced getting the highest rates, while the newer, lower workers settle for starting wages. Popular entertainers earn more than relative unknowns who are still building a following. Supervisors and managers get more than those reporting to them, since they have to have both the necessary skills of the job plus the responsibility of organizing and overseeing others. This is the natural order of a job force, and it provides incentive for new workers to stick with a job and to try to move up in the order. Got it?”

  “That’s only logical,” I agreed.

  “Then you understand why I have you down in the budget for the rather substantial figure you’ve been protesting,” she concluded triumphantly.

  “I do?” I blinked.

  I thought I had been following her fine, step by step. Somewhere along the way, however, I seemed to have missed something.

  “Don’t you see, Skeeve?” she pressed. “The services you’re providing for Possiltum fall into all three of the high pay requirements. The work is dangerous and unpleasant, it definitely requires special skills from you and your staff, and, since you’re setting policy for an entire kingdom, the responsibility level is right up there with the best of them!”

  I had never stopped to think about it in those terms, mostly to preserve my nerves and sanity, but she did have a point. She wasn’t done, however.

  “What’s more,” she continued, “you’re darn near at the top of your profession and the pecking order. Remember, Grimble’s reporting to you now, which makes your pay scale higher than his. What’s more, you’ve been a hot magical property for some time now ... not just here on Klah, but at the Bazaar on Deva which is pretty big league. Your Queen Hemlock has gotten the kingdom in a major mess, and if she’s going to hire the best to bail her out, she’s bloody well going to pay for it.”

  That last part had an unpleasant sound of vindictiveness to it, but there was something that was bothering me even more.

  “For the moment, let’s say I agree with you ... at least on the financial side,” I said. “I still don’t see how I can draw pay as a financial consultant and a court magician.”

  “Because you’re doing both jobs,” Bunny insisted.

  “... But I’m not working magikally right now,” I shot back.

  “Aren’t you?” she challenged. “Come on, Skeeve. Are you trying to tell me that if some trouble arose that required a magikal solution, that you’d just stand by and ignore it?”

  “Well, no. But ...”

  “No ‘buts,’” Bunny interrupted. “You’re in residence here, and ready to throw your full resources into any magikal assignment that arises ... just like you’re doing at the Bazaar. They’re paying you a hefty percentage just to be on standby. If anything, you’re giving Possiltum a break on what you’re charging them. Make no mistake, though, you are doing the job. I’m just making sure they pay you for it. If they want a financial consultant and a court magician, then it’s only fair that it shows in their budget and is part of the burden they have to raise money to pay.”

  She had me. It occurred to me, however, that if this conversation lasted much longer, she’d have me believing that black was white.

  “I guess it’s okay then,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “It still sounds high to me.”

  “It is,” Bunny said, firmly. “You’ve got to remember though, Skeeve, that whole amount isn’t just for you. It’s M.Y.T.H. Inc. the kingdom is paying for. The fees have to cover the expense of your entire operation, including overhead and staff. It’s not like you’re taking the whole amount and putting it in your pocket.”

  I nodded casually, but my mind was racing. What Bunny had just said had given me an idea.

  If nothing else, I had learned in these sessions that there was a big difference between a budget or operating plan and the actual money spent. Just because I was allowed to spend an astronomic figure didn’t mean I was compelled to do it!

  I quietly resolved to bring my sections in well under budget ... even if
it meant trimming my own staff a bit. I loved them all dearly, but as Bunny had just pointed out, part of my own job was to be highly responsible.

  MY SESSION WITH Bunny had given me food for thought. Retreating to the relative privacy of my room, I took time to reflect on it over a goblet of wine.

  Usually, I assigned people to work on various assignments for M.Y.T.H. Inc. on a basis of what I thought it would take to get the job done and who I thought would be best to handle it. That, and who was available.

  As Bunny had pointed out, our prices were usually set on a basis of what the traffic would bear. I suppose I should have given more thought in the past to whether or not the income from a particular job covered the expense of the people involved, or if the work warranted the price, but operating the way we had been seemed to generate enough money to make ends meet ... more than enough, actually.

  The recent two projects, my bringing Aahz back from Perv and the rest of the team trying to stop Possiltum’s army, were notable exceptions. These were almost personal missions, undertaken on my own motivations or suggestions, without an actual client or revenue.

  Now, however, I was confronted by an entirely new situation.

  Everyone in the crew was hanging around the castle ... with the exception of Tananda, who was minding the offices back on Deva. The question was, did they have to be here?

  I had a hunch that they were mostly staying here because they were worried about me ... not without some justification. They all knew I was in a spot, and wanted to be close at hand if I needed help.

  While I appreciated their concern, and definitely wanted the moral support, I also had to admit that there wasn’t whole bunches they could do. Bunny was invaluable in turning the kingdom’s finances around, but aside from holding my hand through this crisis, there was relatively little the others could do.

  The trouble was, by simple arithmetic, while they were here on Possiltum, they weren’t out working other assignments, making money for M.Y.T.H. Inc. and therefore for themselves ... for a whole month! On top of the work time they missed while stopping Hemlock’s army as a favor to me. If this organization was going to be a functioning, profit-making venture and not a humanitarian “bail Skeeve out” charity, we had to get back our bottom-line orientation. What’s more, both as president and the one who had led us off on this side trip, I had to seize the initiative in setting things right again. That meant that I either had to trim the force, or go along with Bunny’s plan of charging the kingdom for all our time.

  The question was, who to trim?

  Aahz had to stay. Not only had I just gone through a lot of trouble to get him back from Perv, but I genuinely valued his advice and guidance. While I had gotten into immeasurably more trouble since we first met, I had also become very aware that he was unequaled at getting us out of trouble as well.

  Bunny was a must. Even though it had been Tananda’s idea originally to deal her in on this mess, I was very aware that without her expertise and knowledge, we didn’t have a chance at bailing out the kingdom financially. Besides, judging by her greeting when we were reunited, I wasn’t sure she’d be willing to go back to the Bazaar and leave me to face this dilemma alone.

  As to my three bodyguards ... after a moment’s thought I decided to hold judgment on that one. First of all, I had just convinced Pookie to stay, which would make me look like a fool if I suddenly changed my mind. Second, I wasn’t altogether sure I wouldn’t need them. When I went off to Perv, I did it without Guido and Nunzio ... over their strong protests ... and ended up having to hire Pookie in their absence. Before I thought seriously about sending them all away again, I’d want to have a long talk about how they viewed my prospective danger here. While I wanted to save the kingdom money, I wasn’t so generous as to do it if it meant putting myself in danger.

  That left Massha and Chumley.

  Massha came to me as an apprentice, and though I hadn’t been very diligent in teaching her magik, I still had a responsibility to her that couldn’t be filled if she were on Deva and I was here. Despite the fact I hadn’t let her accompany me to Perv, I knew full well from my own experience that an apprentice’s place is with his or her teacher.

  I was suddenly confronted by the fact that the only one remaining on the list to be trimmed was Chumley ... and I didn’t want to do it. Despite the hairy-knuckled, muscle-bound illiterate act the troll liked to put on when he was working, Chumley was probably the levelest head in our entire M.Y.T.H. Inc. crew. Frankly, I trusted his judgment and wisdom a lot more than I did Aahz’s fiery temper. The idea of trying to make up my mind about Queen Hemlock’s proposal without Chumley’s wisdom was disquieting at best. Maybe after I had reached my decision ...

  As much as I had tried to avoid thinking about it, the problem popped into my head and the potential ramifications hit me with a chilling impact.

  Nervously, I gulped down the remaining wine in my goblet and hastily refilled it.

  After I reached my decision ...

  All my thoughts and energies were focused on the immediate problems and short term plans. What was going to happen after I made my decision, whatever that decision was?

  Things were never going to be the same for me.

  Whether I married Queen Hemlock or, if refused, she abdicated and left me to run the kingdom on my own, I was going to be committed to stay in Possiltum a long time. A very long time.

  I couldn’t do that and maintain an office on Deva!

  Would we have to move our operation here to Klah?

  For that matter, could I be either a consort or a king and still do a responsible job as the president of M.Y.T.H. Inc.?

  If I was uneasy about charging the kingdom for my crew for a month, how could I justify putting them all on the payroll permanently?

  What about our other commitments? If we moved to Klah, it would mean giving up our juicy contract with the Devan Merchant’s Association as magicians in residence. Could I charge Possiltum enough to make up for that kind of an income loss?

  ... Or would I have to step down as president of M.Y.T.H. Inc. entirely? Despite my occasional complaining, I had grown to like my position, and was reluctant to give it up ... particularly if it meant losing all my friends like Aahz and ...

  AAHZ!

  However it went, would Aahz want to hang around as a partner constantly standing in the shadow of my being consort or king? Having just recently dealt with his pride head to head, I doubted it very much.

  Whatever my decision, the odds were that, once I reached it, I was going to lose Aahz!

  A soft rap on my door interrupted my thoughts.

  “Say, Boss. Can you spare a minute?”

  Not only could I spare it, I was glad for the break.

  “Sure Guido. Come on in. Pour yourself some wine.”

  “I never drink when I’m workin’, Boss,” he said with a hint of reproach, “but thanks anyway. I just need to talk to you about something.”

  My senior bodyguard took a chair and sat fidgeting with the roll of parchment he was holding. It occurred to me how seldom I just sat and talked with my bodyguards. I had rather gotten accustomed to their just being there.

  “So, what can I do for you?” I said, sipping my wine casually, trying to put him at his ease.

  “Well, Boss,” he began hesitantly, “it’s like this. I was thinkin’ ... You know how Nunzio and me spent some time in the army here?”

  “Yes, I heard about that.”

  “Bein’ on the inside like that, I get the feelin’ I probably know a little more’n you do about the army types and how they think. The truth is, I’m a little worried about how they’re gonna handle bein’ tax collectors. Know what I mean?”

  “Not really,” I admitted.

  “What I mean is,” Guido continued earnestly, “when you’re a soldier, you don’t have to worry much about how popular you are
with the enemy, ‘cause mostly you’re tryin’ to make him dead and you don’t expect him to like it. It’s different doin’ collection work, whether it’s protection money or taxes, which is of course just a different kind of protection racket. Ya gotta be more diplomatic ‘cause you’re gonna have to deal with the same people over and over again. These army types might be aces when it comes to takin’ real estate away from a rival operation, but I’m not sure how good they are at knowin’ when to be gentle with civilian types. Get my drift?”

  While I had never shared Guido’s experience of being in an army, I had faced one once during my first assignment here at the court of Possiltum, and even earlier had been lynched by some soldiers acting as city guardsmen. Now, suddenly, I had visions of army troops with crossbows and catapults advancing on helpless citizens.

  “I hadn’t really thought about it,” I said, “but I see your point.”

  “Well, you know I don’t care much for meddlin’ in management type decisions,” Guido continued, “but I have a suggestion. I was thinkin’ you could maybe appoint someone from the army to specifically inspect and investigate the collectin’ process. You know, to be sure the army types didn’t get too carried away with their new duties.”

  I really appreciated Guido’s efforts to come up with a solution, particularly as I didn’t have one of my own. Unfortunately, there seemed to be a hit of a flaw in his logic.

  “Um ... I don’t quite understand, Guido,” I said. “Isn’t it kind of pointless to have someone from the army watching over the army? I mean, what’s to say our inspector will be any different from the one’s he’s supposed to be policing?”

  “Two things,” my bodyguard replied, flashing his smile for the first time since he entered the room. “First, I have someone specific in mind for the inspector ... one of my old army buddies. Believe me, Boss, this person is not particularly fond or tolerant of the way the army does things. As a matter of fact, I’ve already had the papers drawn up to formalize the assignment. All you gotta do is sign’em.”