MA05 Myth-ing Persons Read online

  “That’s all!? A back door that even you admit looks dangerous and all you do is ignore it? And if that wasn’t bad enough, you don’t even bother to tell your bodyguards about it? Of all the lame-brained, half ...”

  Aahz cleared his throat noisily, and Guido regained control of himself ... rapidly.

  “Aahh ... what I mean to say is ... oh well. That’s all behind us now. Could you give me a little more information now that the subject’s out in the open? What’s on the other side of that door, anyway?”

  “We don’t know,” I admitted.

  “YOU DON’T KNOW?” Guido shrieked.

  “What we do know,” Aahz interrupted hastily, “is what isn’t on the other side. What isn’t there is any dimension we know about.”

  Guido blinked, and then shook his head. “I don’t get it. Could you run that past me again ... real slow?”

  “Let me try,” I said. “Look, Guido, you already know about dimensions, right? How we’re living in the dimension Deva, which is an entirely different world than our own home dimension of Klah? Well, the people here, the Deveels, are masters of dimension travel to a point where they build their houses across the dimension barriers. That’s how come this place is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. The door is in Deva, but the rest of the house is in another dimension. That means if we go through that door, the back door that we’ve just shown you, we’d be in another world ... one we know nothing about. That’s why we were willing to leave it sealed up rather than stick our noses out into a completely unknown situation.”

  “I still think you should have checked it out,” the bodyguard insisted stubbornly.

  “Think again,” Aahz supplied. “You’ve only seen two dimensions. Skeeve here has visited a dozen. I’ve been to over a hundred myself. The Deveels you see here at the Bazaar, on the other hand, know over a thousand different dimensions.

  “So?”

  “So we think they gave us this place because it opens into a dimension that they don’t want ... ‘don’t want’ as in ‘scared to death of’. Now, you’ve seen what a Deveel will brave to turn a profit. Do you want to go exploring in a world that’s too mean for them to face?”

  “I see what you mean.”

  “Besides,” Aahz finished triumphantly, “take another look at that door. It’s got more locks and bolts than three ordinary bank vaults.”

  “Somebody opened it,” Guido said pointedly.

  That took some of the wind out of Aahz’s sails. Despite himself, he shot a nervous glance at the door.

  “Well ... a good thief with a lockpick working from this side ...”

  “Some of these locks weren’t picked, Aahz.”

  I had been taking advantage of their discussion to do a little snooping, and now held up one of my discoveries for their inspection. It was a padlock with the metal shackle snapped off. There were several of them scattered about, as if someone had gotten impatient with the lockpick and simply torn the rest of them apart with his hands.

  Guido pursed his lips in a silent whistle. “Man, that’s strong. What kind of person could to that?”

  “That’s what we’ve been trying to get you to tell us,” Aahz said nastily. “Now, if you don’t mind, what were those customers like?”

  “Three of them ... two men and a woman ... fairly young-looking, but nothing special. Klahds by the look of ‘em. Come to think of it, they did seem a bit nervous, but I thought it was just because they were coming to see a magician.”

  “Well, now they’re on the other side of the door.” Aahz scooped up one of the undamaged locks and snapped it into place. “I don’t think they can pick locks, or break them if they can’t reach ‘em. They’re there, which is their problem, self-inflicted I might add, and we’re here. End of puzzle. End of problem.”

  “Do you really think so, Aahz?”

  “Trust me.”

  Somehow that phrase struck a familiar chord in my memory, and the echoes weren’t pleasant. I was about to raise this point with Aahz when Nunzio poked his head in the door.

  “Hey, Boss. You got visitors.”

  “See?” my partner exclaimed, beaming. “I told you things could only get better! It’s not even noon and we’ve got more customers.”

  “Actually,” Nunzio clarified, “it’s a delegation of Deveels. I think it’s the landlord.”

  “The landlord?” Aahz echoed hollowly.

  “See how much better things have gotten?” I said with a disgusted smirk. “And it’s not even noon.”

  “Shall I run ‘em off, Boss?” Guido suggested.

  “I think you’d better see ‘em,” Nunzio advised. “They seem kinda upset. Something about us harboring fugitives.”

  Aahz and I locked gazes in silence, which was only natural as there was nothing more to be said. With a vague wave that bordered on a nervous tick, I motioned for Nunzio to show the visitors in.

  As expected, it was the same delegation of four from the Devan Chamber of Commerce who had originally hired us to work for the Bazaar, headed by our old adversary, Hay-ner. Last time we dealt with him, we had him over a barrel and used the advantage mercilessly. While he had agreed to our terms, I always suspected it had hurt his Devan pride to cut such a generous deal and that he had been waiting ever since to pay us back. From the smile on his face as he entered our reception room, it appeared he felt his chance had finally come.

  “Aahh, Master Skeeve,” he said. “How good of you to see us so promptly without an appointment. I know how busy you are, so I’ll come right to the point. I believe there are certain individuals in residence here that our organization is most anxious to speak with. If you would be so kind as to summon them, we won’t trouble you further.”

  “Wait a minute, Hay-ner,” Aahz put in before I could respond. “What makes you think the people you’re looking for are here?”

  “Because they were seen entering your tent less than an hour ago and haven’t come out yet,” said the largest of Hay-ner’s backup team.

  I noticed that unlike Hay-ner, he wasn’t smiling. In fact, he looked downright angry.

  “He must mean the ones who came in earlier,” Nunzio suggested helpfully. “You know, Boss, the two guys with the broad.”

  Aahz rolled his eyes in helpless frustration, and for once I was inclined to agree with him.

  “Umm, Nunzio,” I said, staring at the ceiling. “Why don’t you and Guido wait outside while we take care of this?”

  The two bodyguards trooped outside in silence, though I noticed that Guido glared at his cousin with such disdain that I suspected a stern dressing down would take place even before I could get to him myself. The Mob is no more tolerant than magicians of staff members who say more than they should in front of the opposition.

  “Now that we’ve established that we all know who we’re talking about and that they’re here,” Hay-ner said, rubbing his hands together, “call them out and we’ll finish this once and for all.”

  “Not so fast,” I interrupted. “First of all, neither of us have laid eyes on those folks you’re looking for, because, second of all, they aren’t here. They took it on the lam out the back door before we could meet them.”

  “Somehow, I don’t expect you to take our word for it,” Aahz added. “So feel free to search the place.”

  The Deveel’s smile broadened and I was conscious of cold sweat breaking out on my brow.

  “That won’t be necessary. You see, whether I believe you or not is of little consequence. Even if we searched, I’m sure you would be better at hiding things than we would be at finding them. All that really matters is that we’ve established that they did come in here, and that makes them your responsibility.”

  I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on here, but I was sure that I liked it less and less with each passing moment.

  “Wait a minute,
Hay-ner,” I began. “What do you mean ‘We’re responsible’? Responsible for what?”

  “Why, for the fugitives, of course. Don’t you remember? When we agreed to let you use this place rent-free, part of the deal was that if anyone of this household broke any of the Bazaar rules, and either disappeared off to another dimension or otherwise refused to face the charges, that you would personally take responsibility for their actions. It’s a standard clause in any Bazaar lease.”

  “Aahz,” I said testily, “you cut the deal. Was there a clause like that in it?”

  “There was,” he admitted. “But I was thinking of Tananda and Chumley at the time ... and we’ll stand behind them anytime. Massha, too. It never occurred to me that they’d try to claim that anyone who walked through our door was a member of our household. I don’t see how they can hope to prove ...”

  “We don’t have to prove that they’re in your household,” Hay-ner smiled. “You have to prove they aren’t.”

  “That’s crazy,” Aahz exploded. “How can we prove ...?”

  “Can it, Aahz. We can’t prove it. That’s the point. All right, Hay-ner. You’ve got us. Now what exactly have these characters done that we’re responsible for and what are our options? I thought one of the big sales points of the Bazaar was that there weren’t any rules here.”

  “There aren’t many,” the Deveel said, “but the few that do exist are strictly enforced. The specific rule your friends broke involves fraud.”

  He quickly held up a hand to suppress my retort.

  “I know what you’re going to say. Fraud sounds like a silly charge with all the hard bargaining that goes on here at the Bazaar, but to us it’s a serious matter. While we pride ourselves in driving a hard bargain, once the deal is made you get the goods you were promised. Sometimes there are specific details omitted in describing the goods, but anything actually said is true. That is our reputation and the continued success of the Bazaar depends on that reputation being scrupulously maintained. If a trader or merchant sells something claiming it to be magical and it turns out to have no powers at all, that’s fraud ... and if the perpetrators are allowed to go unpunished, it could mean the end of the Bazaar as we know it.”

  “Actually,” I said drily, “all I was going to do was protest you billing them as our friends, but I’ll let it go. What you haven’t mentioned is our options.”

  Hay-ner shrugged. “There are only three, really. You can pay back the money they took falsely plus a twenty-five percent fine, accept permanent banishment from the Bazaar, or you can try to convince your fr—aahh, I mean the fugitives to return to the Bazaar to settle matters themselves.”

  “I see ... Very well. You’ve had your say. Now please leave so my partner and I can discuss our position on the matter.”

  Aahz took care of seeing them out while I plunged into thought as to what we should do. When he returned, we both sat in silence for the better part of an hour before either of us spoke.

  “Well,” I said at last, “what do you think?”

  “Banishment from the Bazaar is out!” Aahz snarled. “Not only would it destroy our reputations, I’m not about to get run out of the Bazaar and our home over something as idiotic as this!”

  “Agreed,” I said grimly. “Even though it occurs to me that Hay-ner is bluffing on that option. He wants us to stick around the Bazaar as much as we want to stay. He was the one who hired us in the first place, remember? I think he’s expecting us to ante up and pay the money. That way he gets back some of the squeeze he so grudgingly parted with. Somehow the idea of giving in to that kind of pressure really galls me.”

  Aahz nodded. “Me too.”

  There followed several more minutes of silence.

  “Okay,” Aahz said finally, “who’s going to say it?”

  “We’re going to have to go after them.” I sighed.

  “Half right,” Aahz corrected. “I’m going to have to go after them. Partner or not, we’re talking about hitting a totally new dimension here, and it’s too dangerous for someone at your level of magical skill.”

  “My level? How about you? You don’t have any powers at all. If it’s too dangerous for me, what’s supposed to keep you safe?”

  “Experience,” he said loftily. “I’m used to doing this, and you aren’t. End of argument.”

  “‘End of argument’ nothing! Just how to you propose to leave me behind if I don’t agree?”

  “That’s easy,” Aahz grinned. “See who’s standing in the corner?”

  I turned to look where he was pointing, and that’s the last thing I remembered for a long time.

  HEY! HOT STUFF! Wake up!! You okay?”

  If I led a different kind of life, those words would have been uttered by a voluptuous vision of female loveliness. As it was, they were exclaimed by Massha.

  This was one of the first things that penetrated the fogginess of my mind as I struggled to regain consciousness. I’m never at my best first thing in the morning, even when I wake up leisurely of my own accord. Having wakefulness forced upon me by someone else only guarantees that my mood will be less than pleasant.

  However groggy I might be feeling, though, there was no mistaking the fact that it was Massha shaking me awake. Even through unfocused eyes, her form was unmistakable. Imagine, if you will, the largest, fattest woman you’ve ever met. Now expand that image by fifty percent in all directions, top it off with garish orange hair, and false eyelashes and purple lipstick, and adorn it with a wheelbarrow load of gaudy jewelry. See what I mean? I could recognize Massha a mile away on a dark night ... blindfolded.

  “Of course I’m okay, apprentice!” I snarled. “Don’t you have any lessons you’re supposed to be practicing or something?”

  “Are you sure?” she pressed mercilessly.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Why do you ask? Can’t a fellow take a little nap without being badgered about it?”

  “It’s just that you don’t usually take naps in the middle of the reception room floor.”

  That got my attention, and I forced my eyes into focus. She was right! For some reason I was sprawled out on the floor. Now what could have possessed me to ...?

  Then it all came back! Aahz! The expedition into the new dimension!

  I sat bolt upright ... and regretted it immediately. A blinding headache assaulted me with icepick intensity, and my stomach flipped over and landed on its back with all the grace of a lump of overcooked oatmeal.

  Massha caught me by the shoulder as I started to list. “Steady there, High Roller. Looks like your idea of ‘okay’ and mine are a little out of synch.”

  Ignoring her, I felt the back of my head cautiously and discovered a large, tender lump behind my ear. If I had had any doubts as to what had happened, they were gone now.

  “That bloody Pervert!” I said, flinching at the new wave of pain brought on by the sound of my own voice. “He must have knocked me out and gone in alone!”

  “You mean Aahz? Dark, green, and scaly himself? I don’t get it. Why would your own partner sucker punch you?”

  “So he could go through the door without me. I made it very clear that I didn’t want to be left behind on this caper.”

  “Door? What door?” Massha said with a frown. “I know you two have your secrets, Boss, but I think you’d better fill me in on a few more details as to exactly what’s going on around here.”

  As briefly as I could, I brought her up to date on the day’s events, including the explanation as to why Aahz and I had never said anything about the house’s mysterious back door. Being a seasoned dimension traveler herself, she grasped the concept of an unlisted dimension and its potential dangers much more rapidly than Guido and Nunzio.

  “What I don’t understand is even if he didn’t want you along, why didn’t he take someone else as a backup?”

  “Like who?” I said with a wry
grimace. “We’ve already established that you’re my apprentice and he doesn’t give you orders without clearing them through me. He’s never been impressed with Guido and Nunzio. Tananda and Chumley are off on their own contracts and aren’t due back for several days. Even Gus is taking a well-earned vacation with Berfert. Besides, he knows good and well that if he started building a team and excluded me, there’d be some serious problems before the dust settled. I wouldn’t take something like that lying down!”

  “Don’t look now, but you just did,” my apprentice pointed out dryly, “though I have to admit he sort of forced it on you.”

  With that, she slid a hand under each of my armpits and picked me up, setting me gently on my feet.

  “Well, now what? I supposed you’re going to go charging after him with blood in your eye. Mind if I tag along? Or are you bound and determined to be as stupid as he is?”

  As a matter of fact, that was exactly what I had been planning to do. The undisguised sarcasm in her voice combined with the unsettling wobbliness of my legs, however, led me to reconsider.

  “No,” I said carefully. “One of us blundering around out there is enough ... or one too many, depending on how you count it. While I still think I should have gone along, Aahz has dealt this hand, so it’s up to him to play it out. It’s up to me to mind the store until he gets back.”

  Massha cocked an eyebrow at me.

  “That makes sense,” she said, “though I’ll admit I’m a little surprised to hear you say it.”

  “I’m a responsible businessman now.” I shrugged. “I can’t afford to go off half-cocked like a rash kid anymore. Besides, I have every confidence in my partner’s ability to handle things.”

  Those were brave words, and I meant them. Two days later, however, this particular ‘responsible businessman’ was ready to go off fully cocked. Guido and Nunzio ceased to complain about my sneaking off alone ... mostly because I didn’t go out at all! In fact, I spent most of my waking hours and all of my sleeping hours (though I’ll admit I didn’t sleep much) in the reception room on the off chance that I could greet Aahz on his triumphant return.