No Phule Like an Old Phule Read online

  "Y-yes, s-ss-sir," said the junior clerk, and it was something of a miracle that he managed to put the caller on hold without disconnecting him. This was not one of the contingencies that the clerk's training had anticipated.

  The clerk's face disappeared, to be replaced by an ad for the Fat Chance Casino's supper club and floor show, featuring several shots of Dee Dee Watkins in revealing costumes. A few moments later, a different young man's face appeared on Victor Phule's view screen. He peered at the view screen mounted below the on-line camera, and said, enthusiastically, "Captain Jester here. What can I do for you?"

  Victor Phule peered suspiciously at the view screen for perhaps three whole seconds. "I asked for Willard, not for his screening service," he growled. "Get him on. If he's in a meeting, get him out of it. And if I have to wait much, longer, there'll be a bunch of people looking for new jobs.

  Now, let me talk to my son, you miserable impostor, or you'll be the first one on the list!" The young actor somehow managed to keep his composure. "Please hold, sir," he said. Before Victor Phule could get in another word, the screen returned to shots of Dee Dee's dance routine interspersed with happy diners enjoying the four-star cuisine. (Not visible to the unsuspecting eye were various subliminals touting the casino's primary business.) By this time, Phule's hover limo had floated to within eyeball range of the Fat Chance. Impatiently, the weapons magnate reached out and broke the connection. "Incompetent idiots," he muttered. "Willard will have some explaining to do when I get him in my sights. I thought the boy had better sense." In the front seat, the driver and bodyguard said nothing.

  In a few moments more, the limo had pulled in front of the casino's marquee front Eddie Grossman hopped out almost before the vehicle had stopped moving. He scanned the various gawking onlookers and uniformed hotel flunkies with professional thoroughness before opening the door to allow Victor Phule to storm out, making a beeline for the hotel entrance. Not missing a beat, Grossman followed a half pace behind him.

  At the wheel of the hover limo, Maria Della Fanatico watched them go, with a sigh. Phule rarely got this angry.

  She was almost sorry not, to get a chance to see the inevitable explosion. She wasn't at all sorry that she was not the one her boss was mad at. She'd risked her life plenty of times on the racetrack, but there were some things far more dangerous than that. Getting one of the richest men in the galaxy mad at you was one of them.

  The Reverend Jordan Ayres ("Rev!' to his friends and followers) wore a pens~ look, somewhere between' a" sulk and a pout. A casual observer might have taken this to mean that something was bothering the Chaplin of Omega Company. But no-the pout was merely his normal expression when he was calm or thoughtful. It was a direct and intentional result of the extensive facial remodeling that all devout members of the Church of the King underwent in order to more perfectly resemble their prophet. In any case, to someone meeting Rev for the first time, the pout was probably less off-putting than the sneer that his; face assumed when he was actually in a cheerful frame of mind.

  Rev's initial success in converting the members of Omega Company to the Church of the New Revelation-, or, as it was often known, the Church of the King-had been nothing short of phenomenal. But; as even he had to admit, recently the stream of converts had slowed to a trickle. For various doctrinal reasons, particularly the strong pressure for church members to have their face remodeled in the image of their prophet, Rev's denomination was somewhat lacking in appeal to the nonhuman sophonts among his larger flock. And even among the humans,. a fair number were attached to some other denomination, while others were frankly uninterested in any religion per se. While the company had been stationed on Lorelei, or on Landoor, this had not been of particular concern to Rev.

  In both localities, he had found plenty of potential converts in the indigenous human populations. But here on Zenobia, populated by a race of sentient saurians, the King's message appeared to be falling on barren ground.

  Rev had turned to some of his favorite texts for inspiration. Elder Aaron's personal memoir, Anyplace Is Paradise, had reinforced Rev's belief that the King was present everywhere, and Bishop Scott E. Moore's Gonna Be Cool affirmed that true believers would survive even the heat death of the universe. But, as always, the deepest meanings came from the King's own words-above all, the soulful admonition, "Don't be cruel." Rev's heart went flippity-flop every time he heard the King pronounce that sentiment. The words had lost absolutely none of their power as they'd come down the centuries. And yet, to his puzzlement, the Zenobians seemed deaf to all that. In fact, they seemed completely uninterested in anything the King had said or done.

  He drummed his fingers, staring out the window of the small office he occupied in the administrative wing of Omega Company's Zenobia headquarters module. Out on the parade ground, Flight Leftenant Qual and two of his fellow Zenobians were making adjustments to some piece of equipment they'd brought along when they'd come to the Legion camp. The lizard like sophonts who had invited the Legion to this planet were every bit as intelligent as humans, or any of the other races that had become part of the Alliance. They showed as much imagination, as much curiosity about the universe they inhabited, as other species. Why, then, weren't they interested in the King's message?

  There was only one way to find out; Rev realized. He rose to his feet, with a sigh at the stiffness in his legs; Not for the first time,-he reminded himself that he'd been neglecting his exercise program. There wasn't any excuse for that-not with a fully equipped gym right around the comer from his office, and the best instructors available, completely paid for by the Space Legion-or, more precisely, by Captain Jester. The King wouldn't have wanted one of his followers to let himself go... not when it was so easy to stay in shape.

  But at the moment, Rev was on a- mission. He strode down the corridor to a convenient exit and came out onto the parade ground a short distance from where the Zenobians were working. He walked over to them, humming a favorite melodic pattern. Dum, dumba dumba dum, aumbadumba dum... -"

  Qual looked up at, the chaplain's approach. "Greetings, Crank!" said the Zenobian. Flashing his array of sharp reptilian teeth.

  "Crank?" said Rev, momentarily confused. Then he realized it must be another of the apparently random mistranslations the Zenobian's autotranslator spit out from time to time. Try as they might, the Legion's techs had never been able to adjust Qual's translator to render the name of Omega Company's commanding officer as anything but "Captain Clown." A few members of the company privately suspected that Qual's mangling of human language was not entirely an artifact of his equipment... but they had never been able to prove anything, and since the little Zenobian was popular with the troops, nobody saw much point in making an issue of it.

  Remembering his purpose, Rev said, "Good afternoon, Flight Leftenant Qual Do you have a moment to talk?"

  "It is a long time since we converse" said Qual. "It would be my gratification." Rev relaxed-he'd been worried that the Zenobian officer might be too involved in his work to answer his questions. "You know, I have a kinda special job here," he began. "Sort of a mission, you might" say."

  "Yes, I have seen that," said Qual. His two coworkers stood listening---evidently their officer's translator gave them the gist of what Rev was saying. (Rev worried that what they heard might be a very distorted version of his actual words, but again, there was very little he could do about it.) "You are an officer, but one who gives advice, not orders," added the Zenobian.

  "Yeah, that's the idea," said Rev. "Now, you must've heard me talk about the King..."

  "Many times, Crank," said Qual still smiling. "You hardly speak of anything else."

  "That's right," said Rev. "Now, what I want to know is, what do you all think about that? I mean, you people don't seem really interested in Him."

  "Oh, this King of yours is very interesting," said Qual, and the other two Zenobians nodded eagerly.

  Rev smiled. "Well, I didn't expect you to say that..."

 
; "But of course. you can not expect us to take him seriously," Qual added. "Humans "ought to create their own myths instead of borrowing from more ancient species."

  Rev scratched his head, puzzled. "Borrowing? I don't understand."

  The two Zenobian crew members opened their mouths in the posture Rev had come to recognize as laughter, but Qual kept a serious expression. "Possibly you tell the truth, friend Crank," the Zenobian officer said. "I have noticed that you do not much understand the humor. But I have perhaps already said more than I should. We Zenobians do not lightly speak of our deepest racial beliefs, and I do not wish to expose our doctrines to you. I will tell you only that you need to convince one of our High Shainans to tell you the tale of L'ViZ. It will be highly instructive, I can assure you. Now, if you will pardon me, I and my crew must complete our calibration of the sklem. Good diurnal period, Crank." Rev stood there with his mouth open as Qual and his crew resumed their work. But after a moment, he retreated, shaking his head. He hadn't learned everything he'd hoped he might, but what he had learned left him plenty of food for thought. L'Viz-he'd remember that name, and when occasion arose, he'd follow up Qual's suggestion; There was a mystery here, and he meant to get to the bottom of it.

  Evening rush hour in Bu-Tse, the capital city of Kerr's Trio, was as hectic as rush hour in any other major city in human space. Try as they might; city planners had never figured out a way to eliminate the mass exodus of office workers into the transit system at the beginning and end of the business day. At some point-or another, urban planners had tried any number of strategies to decentralize the business district, to stagger work hours, to facilitate telecommuting none to any lasting effect. Centuries of complaints to the

  contrary, neither the employers nor the work force really wanted to change what had apparently become as fixed a pattern as the alternation of day and night.

  But while the-dark-haired woman getting off the BuTse slideway with two huge grocery bags at the Dedisco loop was almost certainly unaware of the history behind her crowded ride home, she w~ by no means reconciled to it. She stalked up to the nondescript apartment building at the comer, elbowed her way into the gravshaft, and glared at her fellow denizens of the Dedisco Towers as they rose through the shaft together. There was an audible sigh of relief as she swung off on the fifth level and stomped down the hallway to her apartment door.

  She palmed the lock, bustled through the door, and headed for the kitchen. From the living room came the sound of a tri-vee set turned to a gravball game. She ignored it and noisily dumped the bags on the kitchen table. From the other room came a male voice: "Lola?" She ignored that, too, muttering angrily as she began to unload the bags.

  "Lola, you better come in here," said the voice, louder this time.

  "Wait a minute," she barked. Schmuck can't even come out and talk to me, let alone help, she thought darkly. I ought to make him get his own meals.

  "Lola, we got trouble." said the voice again.

  "You're the one that's got trouble," she snapped, turning to face the entrance to the living room. That's when She saw the stranger with a beamer pointed at her. "Uh-who are you?" she finished, lamely. Unfortunately, she already had a very good idea what the answer had to be.

  "I'm askin' the questions, sister," said the man, gesturing with the weapon. "You get in there with yer buddy and don't try nothin' fancy." The way he handled the beamer was all the proof she needed that he knew what to do with it in the event something fancy did occur. She went into the living room. There

  sat Ernie, in a straight-backed chair facing the tri-vee set.

  His arms were bound to his sides, and a wide band of elasteel around his torso bound him to the chair. On the couch next to him sat a small man in an expensive suit.

  "Good, everybody's here," said the small man. "Why don't you have a seat, Lola? We have business to discuss."

  "Who are you?" said Lola. "We haven't done anything."

  "That's exactly the problem," said the little man. "Sit down, please-it makes me uncomfortable to see you standing up." He gestured toward the other chair in the room.

  Lola was not by nature docile. But something in the man's manner told her this would be a very bad time to make herself disagreeable. She sat.

  "Good, that's very good," said the small man. "It makes things so unpleasant when people aren't in a cooperative mood. I really hate it when we have to persuade people to go along with us."

  "What do you want?" said Lola. "Who are you, anyway?"

  The little man inspected his fingernails, then said, "My name doesn't matter, but if you wish, you can call me Mr. V. My partner and I represent certain parties from whom you accepted an employment contract some time back.

  Perhaps you're familiar with the agreement I'm referring to?"

  "Lola did her best to appear calm. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Lorelei Station, would it?" she asked.

  "Very good." said Mr. V. nodding enthusiastically. "It's always good to start from a position of mutual understanding. I was afraid that little matter might have slipped your mind. May I inquire when we can expect you to fulfill your contractual obligations?"

  "In fact, we made every effort to do exactly that," said Lola, twisting her neck to peer up at him. "There was an unexpected development..."

  "An unexpected development;" the little man repeated her words, sympathetically. "That's the way things sometimes go in our business, isn't it? They never quite go the way you plan."

  Lola-nodded, smiling.

  Then Mr. V clapped his hands together loudly. "But a professional doesn't let those little setbacks get in the way of completing the job. A professional knows how to overcome obstacles. You and your colleague are professionals, aren't you?"

  "Of course we are," said Lola. "But..."

  "But me no buts, young lady;" said the little man, leaning forward to look her in the eyes. "You were engaged to deliver a certain package to a certain location. Now, it's been quite a long. time, and the delivery has not taken place."

  "I can explain that," said ,Lola. Her mouth was suddenly dry.

  "I'm sure you can," said Mr. V. But I'm going to save you the trouble, young lady. My principals aren't really interested in explanations, and neither am I. If we want explanations, there are any number of professional explainers whose services we can engage. At the moment, we would much rather see results. Do you grasp my meaning, young lady?"

  "I think so," said Lola, in a very quiet voice.

  "Very good again;' said the little man, turning away from her and pacing, He stopped and turned, and said, "Now, to the point. Your contract calls for the delivery of certain goods. We are going to insist that you fulfill that contract. And we are furthermore going to insist that it be done without any further unnecessary delay. Do you understand me?"

  Lola nodded. "There may be additional expenses involved in retrieving the goods..." she began.

  Mr. V held up a finger, like a scolding schoolteacher.

  "Young lady, I wouldn't be eager to ask for more money when I hadn't finished the job I'd contracted to do," he said. "Not if l were in your shoes. Certain people might get very impatient with you."

  "I was merely pointing out the possibility," said Lola, with a gulp. "It might not be a problem, in any case. We can discuss that when everything's wrapped up."

  "Good," said Mr. V, smiling again. "And I notice that you say when everything's wrapped up:-can I take that as meaning you intend to go ahead with your operation?"

  "Yes, of course," said Lola. She smiled. "We never intended anything' else."

  "Good, it's a pleasure doing business," said Mr. V, rubbing his hands together. "I'll tell my principals that everything is in order, then. And when can they expect delivery?"

  Lola began calculating in her head. The big variable would be travel time; hyperspace had unpredictable twists and wrinkles, and a ship might well arrive, some time before it had set out-or months later. Still, the expected travel time back to Lorelei ought
to be something like three weeks. "You want the package delivered to the sameplace as before?" she asked.

  "Precisely," said the little man, with a nod.

  "Sixty days from now;' said Lola. 'That's cutting it close, but I think we can do that."

  "We'll hold you to it," said Mr. V. "And just in case you're tempted to think about slipping out of your obligations again, I think we'll give you something else to think about." He snapped his fingers, and the man with the beamer-stepped into the room. Ernie's eyes grew wide.

  2

  Journal #649

  The excesses of youth, as amusing as they may seem to those of riper experience, are nonetheless productive of worthwhile results. Youthful exuberance, wedded to the seemingly inexhaustible energies of the young, can achieve things that sober maturity would never attempt. It is undoubtedly for this reason that armies are made up of the young.

  The negative corollary of this verity is that; despite almost comically elaborate efforts to arrive at correct intelligence, armies are more easily duped than almost any other institution of similar size and complexity. And the same can be said of their individual members-only more so...

  "Here's a package for you from Legion Headquarters, Captain," said Lieutenant Rembrandt, bustling into her commander's office.

  "Oh, good-maybe it's the promotion Ambassador Gottesman said I'm supposed to be getting," said Phule. He took the package from her hands and eagerly began to tear it open. "I never thought I'd make it to major," he said.

  "I mean, I suppose I always hoped I'd do well in the Legion-maybe even make it to general. It's every officer's dream, I guess. But realistically, if you keep butting heads with the top brass-and I've pretty much made a full-time career of that..." He stopped suddenly, his face a snapshot of disappointment.

  "What is it, sir?" said Rembrandt.

  "This isn't my promotion," said Phule. "It's a set of environmental impact forms from the Alliance Ecological Interplanetary Observation Union. The AEIOU."