Hit Or Myth m-4 Page 3

  It occurred to me, not for the first time today, that many of the citizens of Possiltum don't have both oars in the water. What anyone could do with half a dead cat, or a whole dead cat for that matter, was beyond me.

  Suddenly I was very tired. With an offhanded wave I beckoned the herald forward.

  "How many more are waiting out there?" I asked.

  "That was the last. We deliberately kept the case load light today so your Majesty could prepare for tomorrow."

  "Tomorrow?"

  The question slipped out reflexively. Actually, I didn't really care what happened tomorrow. My assignment was done. I had survived the day, and tomorrow was Rodrick's problem.

  "Yes, tomorrow … when your bride arrives."

  Suddenly I was no longer tired. Not a bit. I was wide awake and listening with every pore.

  "My bride?" I asked cautiously.

  "Surely your Majesty hasn't forgotten. She specifically scheduled her arrival so that she would have a week to prepare for your wedding."

  Case load be hanged. Now I knew why dear Rodrick wanted a vacation. I also knew, with cold certainty, that he wouldn't be back tonight to relieve me of my duties. Not tonight, and maybe not ever.

  Chapter Five

  "The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice."

  -M. MOUSE

  FOR once, I successfully suppressed the urge to panic. I had to! Without Aahz around to hold things together until I calmed down, I couldn't afford hysterics.

  Instead, I thought. .. and thought.

  I was in a jam, and no matter how I turned it over in my mind, it was going to take more than just me to get out of it.

  I thought of Massha.

  Then I thought about suicide.

  Then I thought about Massha again.

  With firm resolve and weak knees, I made my decision. The question was, how to locate Massha? The answer came on the heels of the question. Standing in for the king had been nothing but a pain so far. It was about time I started making it work for me for a change.

  "Guard!"

  A uniformed soldier materialized by the throne with impressive speed.

  "Yes, your Majesty?"

  "Pass the word for General Badaxe. I'd like to see him."

  "Umm… begging your Majesty's pardon. He's with a lady just now."

  "Good. I mean, bring them both."

  "But…"

  "Now."

  "Yes, your Majesty!"

  The guard was gone with the same speed with which he had appeared.

  I tried not to grin. I had never gotten along particularly well with the military of Possiltum. Of course, the fact that my first exposure to them was when Aahz and I were hired to fight their war for them might have something to do with it. Anyway, the thought of some poor honor guard having to interrupt his general's tetea-tete was enough to make me smile, the first in several days.

  Still, sending a guard to fetch the person I wanted to see was certainly better than chasing them down myself. Perhaps being a king did have its advantages.

  Two hours later, I was still waiting. In that time, I had more than ample opportunity to reconsider the benefit of issuing kingly summons. Having sent for Badaxe, I was obligated to wait for him in the throne room until he appeared.

  At one point I considered the horrible possibility that he had taken Massha riding and that it might be days before they were located. After a little additional thought, I discarded the idea. There wasn't a steed in the Kingdom, including Gleep, who could carry Massha more than a few steps before collapsing.

  I was still contemplating the image of Massha, sitting indignant on the ground with horse's legs protruding grotesquely from beneath her rump, when the herald sprang into action.

  "Now comes General Badaxe … and a friend."

  With that, the man stood aside. Actually, he took several sideways steps to stand aside.

  I've already described Massha's bulk. Well, Hugh Badaxe wasn't far behind her. What he lacked in girth, he made up for in muscle. My initial impression of the General remained unchanged; that he had won his rank by taking on the rest of the army… and winning. Of course, he was wearing his formal bearskin, the clean one, which made him appear all the larger. While I had been there when they met, I had never actually seen Badaxe and Massha standing side by side before. The overall effect was awe-inspiring. Together, they might have been a pageant of a barbarian invasion gone decadent … if it weren't for the General's axe. His namesake, a huge, double-bitted hand axe, rode comfortably in its customary place on the General's right hip, and the glitter from it wasn't all decorative. Here, at least, was one barbarian who hadn't let decadence go to his sword arm.

  "Your Majesty."

  Badaxe rumbled his salutation as he dropped to one knee with an ease that denied his size. One could almost imagine the skull of a fallen enemy crackling sharply beneath that descending knee. I forced the thought from my mind.

  "Greetings, General. Won't you introduce me to your… companion?"

  "I … certainly, your Majesty. May I present Massha, Court Magician of Ta-hoe, and friend of both myself and Lord Skeeve, Magician to your own court here at Possiltum."

  "Charmed, your Majesty."

  I realized with a start that Massha was about to attempt to imitate Badaxe by dropping to one knee. Even if she were able to execute such a maneuver, it would require sufficient effort as to invite ridicule from the other court retainers present… and somehow I didn't want that.

  "Ah . .. there is no need for that," I asserted hastily. "It was not our intention to hold formal court here, but rather an informal social occasion."

  That caused a minor stir with the court, including the general who frowned in slight puzzlement. Still, I was already committed to a line of conversation, so I blundered on.

  "In fact, that was the only reason for the summons. I wished to meet the lady dazzling enough to lure our general from his usual position by my side."

  "Your Majesty gave his permission for my absence today," the general protested.

  "Quite right. As I said, this is a social gathering only. In fact, there are too many people here for casual conversation. It is our wish that the court be adjourned for the day and the room cleared that I might speak freely with this visiting dignitary."

  Again there was a general ripple of surprise, but a royal order was a royal order, and the various retainers bowed or curtsied to the throne and began making their way out.

  "You too. General. I would speak with Massha alone."

  Badaxe began to object, but Massha nudged him in the ribs with an elbow, a blow which would have been sufficient to flatten most men, but was barely enough to gain the general's attention. He frowned darkly, then gave a short bow and left with the others.

  "So, you're a friend of our lord Magician," I asked after we were finally alone.

  "I have that… honor, your Majesty," Massha replied cautiously. "I hope he's… well?"

  "As a matter of fact, he's in considerable trouble right now."

  Massha heaved a great sigh.

  "I was afraid of that. Something to do with his last assignment?"

  I ignored the question.

  "General Badaxe seems quite taken with you. Are you sure you want to stay in the magik biz? Or are you going to try your hand at a new lifestyle?"

  Massha scowled at me.

  "Now how did you hear that? You haven't been torturing your own magician, have you?"

  I caught the small motion of her adjusting her rings, and decided the time for games was over.

  "Hold it, Massha! Before you do anything, there's something I have to show you."

  "What's that?"

  I had already closed my eyes to remove my disguise spell… faster than I ever had before.

  "Me," I said, opening my eyes again.

  "Well, I'll be … you really had me going there, hot stuff."

  "It was just a disguise spell," I waved off-handedly.

  "Nice. Of
course, it almost got you fried. Why didn't you let me know it was you?"

  "First of all, I wanted to see if my disguise spell was good enough to fool someone who was watching for it. This is my first time to try to disguise my voice as well as my appearance. Secondly… well, I was curious if you had changed your mind about being my apprentice."

  "But why couldn't you have just asked me … I see.

  You're really in trouble, aren't you? Bad enough that you didn't want to drag me into an old promise. That's nice of you, Skeeve. Like I said before, you run a class act."

  "Anybody would have done the same thing," I argued, trying to hide my embarrassment at her praise.

  She snorted loudly.

  "If you believed that, you wouldn't have survived as long as you have. Anyway, apprentice or not, a friend is a friend. Now out with it. What's happened?"

  Sitting on the steps to the throne, I filled her in about the forthcoming wedding and my suspicions about the king's conveniently scheduled vacation. I tried to sound casual and matter-of-fact about it, but towards the end my tone got rather flat.

  When I was done, Massha gave a low whistle of sympathy.

  "When you big leaguers get in trouble, you don't kid around, do you? Now that you've filled me in, I'll admit I'm a little surprised you're still here."

  I grimaced.

  "I'm a little slow from time to time, but you only have to lecture me once. If one day without a king is bad for a kingdom, a permanent disappearance could be disastrous. Anyway, what I need right now is someone to track down the real king and get him back here, while I keep bluffing from the throne."

  Massha scowled.

  "Well, I've got a little trinket that could track him, if you've got something around that he's worn, that is…"

  "Are you kidding? You think court magicians dress this way in Possiltum? Everything I'm wearing and two more closets full in his quarters belong to the king."

  ". .. But what I can't figure out is why you need me? Where's your usual partner . .. whatsisname …ahz? It seems to me he'd be your first choice for a job like this. Wherever he is, can't you just pop over to that dimension and pull him back for a while?"

  Lacking any other option, I decided to resort to the truth, both about Aahz's permanent departure and my own lack of ability to travel the dimensions without a DHopper. When I was done, Massha was shaking her head.

  "So you're all alone and stranded here and you were still going to give me an out instead of pressuring me into helping? Well, you got my help, mister, and you don't have to bribe me with an apprenticeship, either. I'll get your king back for you… before that wedding. Then we'll talk about apprentices."

  I shook my head.

  "Right idea, but wrong order. I wasn't going to bribe you with an apprenticeship, Massha. I told you before I don't know much magik, but what I know I'll be glad to teach you . .. whether you find the King or not. I'm not sure that's an apprenticeship, but it's yours if you want it."

  She smiled, a smile quite different from her usual vamp act.

  "We'll argue about it later. Right now, I've got a king to find."

  "Wait a minute! Before you go, you're pretty good with gadgets, right? Well, I've got a D-Hopper in my quarters. I want you to show me two settings: the one for Deva, and the one for Klah. You see, I'm not all that noble. If things get too rough or it takes you longer than a week to find the king, I want a little running room. If I'm not here when you get back, you can look for your 'noble' Skeeve at the Yellow Crescent Inn at the Bazaar at Deva."

  Massha snorted.

  "You're putting yourself down again. Hot Stuff. You're going to try before you run, which is more than I can say for most in our profession. Besides, whatever you think your motives are, they're deeper than you think. You just asked me to show you two settings. You only need one to run."

  Chapter Six

  "Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder!"

  -L. SKYWALKER

  I HAD long since decided that the main requirement for Royalty or its impersonators was an immunity to boredom. Having already chronicled the true tedious nature of performing so-called "duties of state," I can only add that waiting to perform them is even worse.

  There was certainly no rush on my part to meet the king's bride-to-be, much less marry her. After word had come that her arrival would be delayed by a full day, however, and as the day waxed into late afternoon waiting for her "early morning" reception, I found myself wishing that she would get here so we could meet and get it over with already.

  All other royal activity had ground to a halt in an effort to emphasize the importance of Possiltum's greeting their queen-to-be. I hardly thought it was necessary, though, as the citizens decked the street with flowers and lined up three deep in hopes of catching a glimpse of this new celebrity. The wait didn't seem to dampen their spirits, though the flowers wilted only to be periodically replaced by eager hands. If nothing else, this reception was going to put a serious dent in Possiltum's flower crop for awhile. Of course, it might also put a dent in all our crops, for the streets remained packed with festive people who showed not the slightest inclination to return to their fields or guild shops when word was passed of each new delay.

  "Haven't the citizens anything better to do with their time than stand around the streets throwing flowers at each other?" I snarled, turning from the window. "Somebody should be keeping the kingdom during all this foolishness."

  As usual, J. R. Grimble took it on himself to soothe me.

  "Your Majesty is simply nervous about the pending reception. I trust his wisdom will not allow his edginess to spill over onto his loyal subjects?"

  "I was assured when she crossed the border that she would be here this morning. Morning! Ever see the sun set in the morning before?"

  "Undoubtedly she was delayed by the condition of the roads," General Badaxe offered. "I have told your Majesty before that our roads are long overdue for repair. In their current state, they hinder the passage of travelers… and troops should our fair land come under attack."

  Grimble bared his teeth.

  "And his Majesty has always agreed with me that repairing the roads at this time would be far too costly… unless the General would be willing to significantly reduce the size of his army that we might use the savings from wages to pay for the road work?"

  The General purpled.

  "Reduce the size of the army and you'll soon lose that treasury that you guard so closely, Grimble."

  "Enough, gentlemen," I said, waving them both to silence. "As you've both said, we've discussed this subject many times before."

  It had been decided that rather than having the King of Possiltum sit and fidget in front of the entire populace, that he should sweat it out in private with his advisors until his bride actually arrived. Royal image and all that. Unfortunately this meant that since morning I had been confined in a small room with J. R. Grimble and Hugh Badaxe for company. Their constant bickering and sniping was sufficient to turn my already dubious mood into something of record foulness.

  "Well, while we're waiting, perhaps you can each brief me on your opinions of my future bride and her kingdom."

  "But your Majesty, we've done that before. Many times."

  "Well, we'll do it again. You're supposed to be my advisors, aren't you? So advise me. General Badaxe, why don't you start?"

  Badaxe shrugged.

  "The situation is essentially unchanged from our last briefing. Impasse is a small kingdom; tiny really-less than a thousand citizens altogether. They claim the entire Impasse mountain range, from which the kingdom gets its name, and which is the bulk of their military defense. Their claim stands mostly because the mountains are treacherous and there is little or no reason to venture there. At least ninety-five percent of their population is concentrated along the one valley through the mountains. They have no formal military, but rather a militia, which suffices as there are no less than five passes in the main vall
ey where a child with a pile of rocks could hold off an army… and they have plenty of rocks. Their main vulnerability is food. The terrain is such that they are unable to support even their small population, and as they are still at odds with the kingdom at the other end of the valley who originally owned it, they are forced to buy all their food from us … at prices even a generous man would call exorbitant."

  "Supply and demand," Grimble said with a toothy smile.

  "Wait a minute, General," I interrupted. "If I understand this right. Impasse is not a threat to us militarily because of its size. If anything, it guards our flank against attack from the pass. Right?"

  "Correct."

  "Which it is already doing."

  "Also correct."

  Seeing an opening, I hurried on.

  "We can't attack them, but from what you say they don't have anything we want. So why are we bothering with this marriage/alliance?"

  The General looked pointedly at Grimble.

  "Because even though Impasse is people-few and crop-light, they are sitting on the largest deposit of precious metal on the continent," The Chancellor of the Exchequer supplied.

  "Precious met… oh! You mean gold."

  "Precisely. With the alliance, Possiltum will become the richest kingdom ever."

  "That hardly seems like sufficient reason to get married," I mumbled.

  "Your Majesty's opinions on the subject are well known to us," Grimble nodded. "You have expressed them often and long every time the possibility of this marriage was broached. I am only glad that you finally gave your consent when the citizens of Possiltum threatened to revolt if you didn't accept the betrothal offer."

  "That was only after you spread the word that such an alliance would significantly lower taxes, Grimble," Badaxe scowled.

  "I said it might lower taxes," the Chancellor corrected innocently. "Can I help it if the common folk jumped to conclusions?"

  Now that I had a clearer picture of the situation, I might have mustered a bit of sympathy for the King's predicament, if he hadn't stuck me in it in his stead.